I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines