Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”