Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
You Might Also Like
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.