one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My plans: 2020:
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes