(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
No, YOUR illiterate.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.