Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I’m already scared
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
so, is there a mister shapen head
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it