other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I need to get some bricks…
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]