[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.