My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: