“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
couldn’t resist
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
No. YOU-buprofen.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one