A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
One of the best
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The Compass
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?