Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The glockness monster
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.