[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.