The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Isn’t
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.