If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Word!
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M