*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
the council will decide your fate
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.