My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Potatoes were such a good idea
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off