You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Where is your GOD now????
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
According to math, I’m broke
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.