The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…