If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.