Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”