I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”