Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.