Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY