Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.