FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.