The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If only.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*