“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss