I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
relationship goals
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!