us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.