[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house