Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.