People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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My new favorite headline
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
uh oh
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!