Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
#Caturday
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead