Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
work smarter, not harder
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?