Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Florida be like…
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.