When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me checking my bank balance online.