It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.