One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords