GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My birthstone is kidney
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Lmaoo 😂
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.