Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?