I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The old gods are rising again.
The human personality is made of five key elements
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans