I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Erm…
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door