Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
one of
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks