Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that鈥檚 exactly what you鈥檒l tell the cops when they get here
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Google Maps says it鈥檚 a 29 minute walk, but where鈥檚 the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT鈥橲 A LION!
ME: I wouldn鈥檛 yell around Roarschach
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
馃槀馃槀
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he鈥檚 right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.