Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My birthstone is a marshmallow
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday