My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
That earthquake could have been an email.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
🏙👨🏼