I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
When does CPR become necrophilia?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.