Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!