Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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*launders Kohls cash*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace